The Gift of Forgiveness

I feel like every blog I write could open with, "Lately I've been struggling with... (insert any number of things).  So, here goes.  Lately I've been struggling with forgiveness.  I really thought that I had worked through and washed my hands of this particular issue, but I apparently have not.

I'll try to give the condensed version here.  Six years ago when we lived in Grand Blanc, our family physician, Dr. Rajakumari Swamy, prescribed a medication for Dave to treat what she thought was a hormonal imbalance.  At the time we were just starting to try to conceive.  We had been through some testing: semen analysis for Dave, and a HSG for me.  Everything looked good.  When I asked Dr. Swamy if this new medication (a steroid cream) would impair Dave's fertility at all, she reassured me that, if anything, it would help.  She couldn't have been more wrong.   It actually took his normal sperm count down to zero and caused scarring inside his testicles that was irreversible. After seeing a urologist in Ann Arbor for two years, he finally told us our only chance of having a child would be through IVF (he initially thought things would correct themselves with time). 

At that point we took some time and sought the counsel of our pastor to decide whether or not we should sue Dr Swamy.  We decided to talk to a lawyer, too, who told us it was too late to sue-it had to be less than two years since the malpractice, and it was just over two at that time.  So, that answered that.  We eventually came to terms with things (it was much easier for Dave than for me).  After all of this we still had not confronted Dr Swamy about what had happened (although the specialist in Ann Arbor had been sending her our office notes, so I think she was probably aware).  I decided that rather than do a face-to-face confrontation, I would write to her.  I poured our feelings into a letter and included all of the lab work and physician's notes from Ann Arbor.  I ended the letter by telling her that I forgave her for what had happened.  A few months later, we moved on to IVF and, by the Grace of God, had our little girl. 

A couple of years, tens of thousands of dollars, and a failed IVF attempt later, I am really hurting from this again.  Old wounds seem to have opened up again.  I think not having the finances to have another child ( through IVF or adoption) is what has really brought this to mind again. I don't want to give up.  I want to keep trying.  I want to make it happen.  But, I can't do anything about it.  Before Grace, I desperately prayed to God for "just one child."  And I am so grateful for her.  But in my heart, I've always wanted a large family and dreams die hard, at least they do for me. 

On my end of things, I know I've got some real work to do.  Forgiveness is a gift that we give to others,  but  it's also a gift that we give ourselves.  It frees us from the bondage of the past and allows us move forward. I haven't had much forward movement lately.  Maybe it would be easier if we had gotten a response to our letter, an apology, or even a check in the mail- that would have been nice.  But forgiveness shouldn't be dictated by whether or not the person who wronged us is repentant.  I certainly didn't deserve to be forgiven, but by God's grace I have been.  I need to do the same for others. 

I hope that I can look back on all of this a few years from now and be happy that things happened the way they did, "mistakes" and all. Maybe we wouldn't have Grace if it weren't for them.  And, maybe God will provide another little one that we wouldn't have had otherwise.  I sure hope and pray that is the case. 

What now?

I have been wondering this for the last couple of weeks.  Thinking about the future helps to take the sting out of the "right now."  I have thought through every angle of every alternative we could possibly choose.  Another round of IVF?  Embryo adoption?  Traditional adoption?  Foster care?  My brain has been a very busy place lately, and I'm exhausted...

What I know I need to do is wait...at least for a little while.  The grief and desperation I've been feeling is not where good decisions are made.  This is hard for a person who likes everything her way and now. But, this experience has once again made it exceedingly clear that I AM NOT IN CONTROL.  And, that is probably a very good thing.

So, speaking of waiting, I came upon this amazing poem, which moved me so much and turned me into a puddle on the couch.  I think you'll like it too...

Desperately,
helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently,
lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.....

and the Master so gently said,
Wait.

Wait? you say wait?
my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers,
I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance
and you tell me to Wait?

I'm needing a yes,
a go-ahead sign.
Or even a no,
to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord,
that if we believe,
We need but to ask,
and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking,
and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!
I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, Wait.
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
So, I'm waiting
for what?????

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine....
and He tenderly said,
I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and
darken the sun. I could raise the dead
and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek
and
pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want
but
you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know
the depth of My love
for each saint.

You'd not know
the power that I give
to the faint.

You'd not learn to see
through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust
just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy
of resting in Me
when darkness and silence
are all you can see.

You'd never experience
the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit
descends like a dove.

You would know that I give,
and I save, for a start,
But, you'd not know the depth
of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort
late into the night,
the faith that I give
when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond
getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who
makes what you have last.

You'd never know should
your pain quickly flee.
what it means that My grace
is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams
overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed
what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child
and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts
is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers
seem terribly late,
My most precious answer
of all is still........

Wait.

Loss

This pregnancy was not meant to be, I guess.  After my labs came back today (HCG down to 3), I was told to stop taking my meds.  Thanks to everyone for all the prayers and encouragement. 

A Little Bit Pregnant

Oh, how I wish my life could just be simple!  Today I anxiously waited for "the" call.  I have been feeling things that made me think I could be pregnant, but I haven't wanted to get my hopes up.  This afternoon, I got the call that I am pregnant, but that my HCG level is very low (19.9, when it should be >100 at two weeks post-transfer).  If I'm remembering correctly, HCG levels are supposed to double every couple of days up to a certain point in the pregnancy.  I'm thinking I was around 1000 when I found out I was pregnant with Grace.  Since I'm not technically at two weeks yet (not until tomorrow when their lab isn't open), I have to go back on Wednesday for another HCG test.

I'm holding on to that little piece of hope for another miracle, and resting in the peace that whatever happens, God is in control, and He knows best.

This Morning

Last night was rough.  My hormones have been giving me night sweats, and last night after I got up to go to the bathroom and change my t-shirt, I struggled for over two hours to get back to sleep.  Then, just as I fell deep into my slumber, I had to get up to get my shot in the butt before Dave left for work.  Fortunately, I fell right back to sleep after that.  Unfortunately, it only lasted about an hour before a sweet, little voice woke me up whispering, "Mommy?  You need some love?"  "Yes," I said, as I snuggled up next to my girl.  (That was the sweet part).  Within a few minutes, Grace had bitten my nose, put me in a time-out, and whacked me really good in the face while she was flipping over. 

I guess all the abuse was worth it for a little love...

What I Needed Today

As I was scrolling through my Blogger dashboard a few minutes ago, a title jumped out at me: Your Will Be Done.  I really needed to read it today.  It doesn't make this hurt any less, right now anyways, but I needed to be reminded.

IVF Update

I had a pretty good weekend- most of the IVF pain subsided, and I started feeling "things" that reminded me of my early pregnancy with Grace.  I started really believing that I could be pregnant, and imagining how it might be this time around.

This morning I went in for my routine blood work which checks the estrogen and progesterone levels to ensure there's enough of both to maintain a pregnancy, if there is one.  I thought I would be called with good news this afternoon, but I was not.  The nurse called to inform me that my levels had both dropped pretty dramatically, and that I needed to double-up on my meds.  She said that most people do have a drop, but not as drastic as this.  She did reassure me that there have still been pregnancies under circumstances like mine, but I could tell in her voice that it would be a long-shot. 

I'm feeling pretty bummed to say the least; hoping for a miracle, but trying to prepare myself for what will most likely be a much diffferent outcome than what I was envisioning over the past few days. 

IVF Update

Yesterday we had two good lookin' embryos transferred (put in my uterus).  Now it's up to them to do their thing, and hopefully, one or both (gulp) of them will implant and become a little bean. That's the good news.  The not so pleasant part is my uterus has been going crazy with contractions, which is not a good thing for a little embryo that's trying to burrow in.  Yet another thing I cannot control.  Praying we can make it over this last hurdle.