Encouragement for the Day

I fully admit that I don't have a lot of scripture memorized;  it's something I need to work on.  This morning as the anxieites of our present situation started creeping up on me, God put the last verse of this passage of scripture in my mind:

1 Peter 5:6-7

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

I needed this today.  Maybe you do, too.

What now?

I have been wondering this for the last couple of weeks.  Thinking about the future helps to take the sting out of the "right now."  I have thought through every angle of every alternative we could possibly choose.  Another round of IVF?  Embryo adoption?  Traditional adoption?  Foster care?  My brain has been a very busy place lately, and I'm exhausted...

What I know I need to do is wait...at least for a little while.  The grief and desperation I've been feeling is not where good decisions are made.  This is hard for a person who likes everything her way and now. But, this experience has once again made it exceedingly clear that I AM NOT IN CONTROL.  And, that is probably a very good thing.

So, speaking of waiting, I came upon this amazing poem, which moved me so much and turned me into a puddle on the couch.  I think you'll like it too...

Desperately,
helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently,
lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.....

and the Master so gently said,
Wait.

Wait? you say wait?
my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers,
I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance
and you tell me to Wait?

I'm needing a yes,
a go-ahead sign.
Or even a no,
to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord,
that if we believe,
We need but to ask,
and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking,
and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!
I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, Wait.
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
So, I'm waiting
for what?????

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine....
and He tenderly said,
I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and
darken the sun. I could raise the dead
and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek
and
pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want
but
you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know
the depth of My love
for each saint.

You'd not know
the power that I give
to the faint.

You'd not learn to see
through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust
just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy
of resting in Me
when darkness and silence
are all you can see.

You'd never experience
the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit
descends like a dove.

You would know that I give,
and I save, for a start,
But, you'd not know the depth
of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort
late into the night,
the faith that I give
when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond
getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who
makes what you have last.

You'd never know should
your pain quickly flee.
what it means that My grace
is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams
overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed
what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child
and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts
is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers
seem terribly late,
My most precious answer
of all is still........

Wait.

Breakthrough

I've had a bit of a love/hate relationship with church lately.  I love being there, listening to the sermon and worshiping God, but I dislike the "Grace management" part of it all.  All previous attempts to leave her in the nursery have failed (although we've really only tried a handful of times).  I was too much of a germaphobe to leave her when she was younger; when the transition would have undoubtedly been an easier one.  I just haven't had the courage to start the process again, so, we've been keeping Grace with us in the sanctuary. And, although she usually makes it through the music, which she enjoys, she tends to get a little disruptive once the sermon begins.  I inevitably end up walking the halls with her, missing out on the sermon most Sundays, and leaving with a heart hungry for real worship.

This morning we were ready for church early.  I think it might have been a first for us.  Something inside me said, today is the day.  I decided to try the nursery again.  I said a little prayer, and I took Grace inside.  She was fine until she realized I was leaving, and then the tears began.  As hard as it was, I left her.  With a guilt-laden heart, I listened from outside the door.  She cried...and she cried...and she cried.  But then, praise God, she stopped.  Still in amazement, I made my way to my seat.  As I listened to the sermon, I kept waiting for my number to pop up on the big screen; the number that would let me know that Grace was too upset to make it through the hour.  But, thankfully, it never appeared.  It was, I believe, an answer to prayer.

After the service was over, as I quickly walked back to the nursery, I felt relieved and grateful.  I was filled with a renewed sense of hope that we might be able to do this every Sunday. I also wondered what kind of shape I'd find my girl in.  As I peeked in the door, there she was smiling at me-  her purple lion under her arm.  She was just fine.  Better than fine, really.  And I was (am) so proud of her.  It really was a breakthrough- for both of us.  And I am so grateful...

Sunday Service

We had a great sermon at church yesterday.  A member gave a heart-wrenching, yet inspiring testimony of her spiritual walk over the last few years.  She spoke of her husband, who has bipolar disorder, and his suicide attempts, their children, job losses, the loss their dream home, and her battle with the breast cancer that has invaded her lymph nodes.  It was an amazing and courageous account of their last few years as a family, and how God has used these trials to draw her family closer together, but more importantly, closer to God.  I so needed to hear her story; it was like salve over my wounded heart.  I cried painful tears for most of the remaining sermon, which was also amazing.  Here's the link if you're interested in the sermon.

In the past, I haven't been a very good ambassador for Jesus when I'm at my lowest- in the muck and the mire of life.  I typically hide my head in the sand and escape, praying it will all be over with quickly.  I don't like suffering or feeling uncomfortable, or not knowing.  I don't like to wait.  But I know during the painful times, God is gently leading me, like a shepherd with a sheep that's gone astray-teaching me, trying to make me more like Him.  Or, He may be teaching someone close to me something through my example.  An example that I know most often falls short of God's desire.  Often I feel like I'm presented with the same trials over and over again, as if I obviously didn't "get it" the first time around.  And honestly, I'm sure I didn't.

I'm striving to get to a place where I don't "waste" the trials of life being preoccupied with myself and my problems.  That's clearly not what God had in mind for our lives, I'm sure.  Instead, I believe it's often a nudge (or in my case, a kick in the pants) to come on back to Him.  Not that suffering is punishment from God, because I don't believe that to be the case, necessarily.  But I know for me, when life is "good," it's easy to get caught up in the things of this world and ignore the things of the next.

Hay-men!

Last night I had a lot of things on my heart.  Old anxieties have slowly worked their way back into my mind, competing with new anxieties for my attention. I've been struggling a bit.  After reading a few books with Grace, I spent some time in prayer, talking to God, snuggling with my girl.  When I finished my prayer this is what I heard:

                      "Thank you, Jesus.  Thank you, God.  Hay-men!"

Thank you, Lord, for this sweet, little girl, who reminds me just how blessed I am.

Hay-men.

Happy Easter!

Pointing to the Cross

I had to post this powerful quote that my cousin, Melissa, put up on her Facebook page today: 

 

"Everything before the Cross points forward to it. Everything since the Cross points back to it.  Everything that will last was purchased on it, and everything that matters hinges on it."   - Randy Alcorn

 

Last night I was doing some bible reading (something I don't do nearly enough of) and I read this passage (pointing forward to the cross) in the Old Testament, foretelling the coming of Christ and the suffering He would endure for us:

Isaiah 53

 ¹ Who has believed our message
       and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed? 

 ² He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
       and like a root out of dry ground.
       He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
       nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. 

 ³ He was despised and rejected by men,
       a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
       Like one from whom men hide their faces
       he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 

 ⁴ Surely he took up our infirmities
       and carried our sorrows,
       yet we considered him stricken by God,
       smitten by him, and afflicted. 

 ⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
       he was crushed for our iniquities;
       the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
       and by his wounds we are healed. 

 ⁶ We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
       each of us has turned to his own way;
       and the LORD has laid on him
       the iniquity of us all. 

 ⁷ He was oppressed and afflicted,
       yet he did not open his mouth;
       he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
       and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
       so he did not open his mouth. 

 ⁸ By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
       And who can speak of his descendants?
       For he was cut off from the land of the living;
       for the transgression of my people he was stricken. 

 

 ⁹ He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
       and with the rich in his death,
       though he had done no violence,
       nor was any deceit in his mouth. 

 ¹⁰ Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
       and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
       he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
       and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand. 

 ¹¹ After the suffering of his soul,
       he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
       by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
       and he will bear their iniquities. 

 ¹² Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
       and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
       because he poured out his life unto death,
       and was numbered with the transgressors.
       For he bore the sin of many,
       and made intercession for the transgressors.

It's easy to lose sight of the real reason we celebrate Good Friday and Easter.  I love peanut butter eggs and baby chicks just as much as the next girl.  I have fun memories of discovering the Easter Bunny's footprints when I was a kid.  (I'm still not sure how my parents made them - powdered sugar, I think.)

I struggle with balancing the "fun" stuff, like Easter egg hunts and coloring eggs, with something so serious and critical to our eternal destiny:  Christ's death on the cross, resurrection and deciding whether or not we will believe and follow Him in our lives.  Can you balance the two?  I don't know.  Somehow the "fun" stuff just don't seem very important in comparison.

"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.  - John 11:25-26

 

 

Distraction

This week's Raw(e) theme is distraction.  What is it that most distracts you from being the person God created you to be?  It's taken me a few days to decide what it is that most distracts me from my relationship with God, my husband, my child.  At first I thought it must be the computer.  But then I dug a little deeper and realized that the root cause of a lot of my "distraction" is actually an attempt to escape my fears and my obsessing over the things that have me fearful.

I obsess over my muscle twitching, fearful it's something fatal.  I obsess over having another melanoma.  I obsess over dying and leaving Grace without a Mommy.  I obsess over Grace's health.  I obsess over our infertility.  Our finances.  And the list goes on and on.....

Sadly, instead of running into the arms of my Father, the only one who can calm the raging seas, I often run to other things: the computer, mindless television, food, shopping.  I escape, tired of thinking about all the stuff running through my mind all day.

This reminds me that there really is a "God shaped hole" in all of us, that only Jesus can fill.  It makes me think of my 19-month-old daughter's shape sorter.  Sometimes she just keeps trying and trying to put that star in the round hole.  Of course, it never fits and she becomes frustrated, wanting me to help, or more often, removing the top and just throwing it in.  And we as "grown-ups" do the same thing with God.  Nothing else fills the void.  Not drugs or alcohol, money, friends or material possessions. But we (I) keep on seeking the wrong things, oblivious to God "knocking" on the door, wanting us to come to Him so He can wipe our tears away.

When will I ever learn?

So...here it is.  My Raw(e) photo: Obsessing

Father's Love Letter

I came across this letter  the other day while going through some of my Grandma Jones's books.   I enjoyed it and thought you might too.  

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Father
Almighty God

Grandma Jones

 Christmas Day, 2009

Our sweet Grandma Jones went home to be with Jesus on Friday, February 12, 2009.  She died peacefully, just as she had prayed; surrounded by family sharing memories of times shared with her.  She was loved by many, and will be dearly missed.

I have had a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions over the last few days.  It's hard to believe she's gone.  Grandma was such a wonderful person and I have so many great memories of her.  I had become closer to her over the last ten years or so; she had become a mentor for me, spiritually.  She loved God, spent  much of her life helping others, loved to learn and to teach, and always had a positive attitude, despite her circumstances.  I can only hope to be half the woman she was.

Grace and I shared some special time with Grandma the day before she went to heaven.  We stopped in to see her, knowing it may well be our last visit.  Grace helped my mom feed Grandma breakfast.  Grace enjoyed sampling some of the fare: burnt toast, cottage cheese and banana.  Grace wore a special shirt that we knew her Great Grandma would love;  it said, "When God made me, He was showing off."  Grandma smiled and laughed.  Grace enjoyed looking at Great Grandma's hummingbird socks and petting Little One, her cat.

We could tell that Grandma was exhausted, so, after she got into bed,  I gave her a good-bye kiss, told her that I loved her, and then I drove home, crying the whole way; knowing I would not see her again in this life and praying she would die peacefully. The very next day, God took her home.  She was comfortable and surrounded by the love of her family.

Now, although I miss her, I am glad she's home and is experiencing peace and beauty that we can only imagine.  The bible says, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"—1 Corinthians 2:9.

I can only imagine...

Too Much "Me"

I've been thinking lately that I spend entirely too much time thinking about myself, worrying about me, praying about my problems, and often forgetting how blessed I really am.  There are so many people in the world who are suffering terribly, and are desperate for our help and our prayers.

Yesterday, when the news broke about the earthquake in Haiti, I was moved to tears thinking about  the thousands of people that are likely dead, and so many more that are in pain and are suffering, waiting for rescue.   I feel guilty sitting here so comfortably, while so many others are waiting and wondering if  help will ever come.

As with other tragedies, there will probably be a telethon to raise money for the victims and it willl be on the news for a while, but then we'll move on, just like we always do and start thinking about ourselves (myself) again.  We humans are selfish by nature and I am no exception.

Hopefully this time will be different.  Hopefully I'll stop thinking about "me" so much and I will remember to pray for those around the world that are suffering so terribly, in ways I cannot even imagine. 

If anyone is interested in donating to this cause, Samaritan's Purse is a great organization that we've supported for years now.  They already have a DC-3 full of relief supplies and a disaster assistance team in the air and will arrive in Haiti this afternoon. They also do amazing work all around the world. 

Samaritan's Purse-Haiti

Coincidence? I think not....

A few days ago during one of my "talks" with God, I asked Him for a sign.  A sign that He had heard my prayers and that everything would be alright, even if things didn't turn out the way I wanted at my doctor appointment today.  During my prayer, I thought specifically about our new bird feeder, which has sat bird-less for a few weeks now.  I thought maybe God could send me a bird as a sign.  Yes, a bird, crazy as that sounds.

Our bird feeder sits outside a large picture window in our family room.  Grace and I monitor it frequently for birds.  It always elicits an "I don't know" and a shrug from Grace.  No birds.  No squirrels.  Nothing.  Fast forward to this morning, my parents had just arrived to babysit Grace while Dave and I traveled to Henry Ford.  I was feeling a bit nervous about what the day would bring.  Out of nowhere, 4 chickadees appeared and started taking turns feeding.  I knew this was my "sign."

A famous hymn comes to mind: His Eye Is On The Sparrow. The theme of the song is inspired by the words of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew.  I love the words of the song:

Why should I feel discouraged / Why should the shadows come / Why should my heart feel lonely / And long for heaven and home / When Jesus is my portion / A constant friend is He / His eye is on the sparrow / And I know He watches over me / His eye is on the sparrow / And I know He watches me /
I sing because I'm happy / I sing because I'm free / His eye is on the sparrow / And I know He watches me

Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? - Matthew 6:26

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everybody!  Amid all the hustle and bustle, family gatherings, and gift giving, I have been trying to remind myself of the real meaning of Christmas: Jesus - God's perfect gift to all of us. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" - John 3:16.  Let's not lose sight of the real reason we celebrate this day!

Thanksgiving

God has poured out so many blessings this year!  Here are just a few of the things that I am thankful for:

• a supportive and loving family
  
• our sweet, healthy, baby girl
• a kind, understanding, and employed husband
• Wednesday morning walks 
• new, Christian mommy-friends
  
• my jog stroller
• my mostly healthy, middle aged body
• family vacations to California and Crystal Lake
  
• being able to stay home with Grace this year
  
• the sale of our house
• 2 working cars
• a great local church  (Midland Evangelical Free Church)
• a loving, forgiving God, who is always there for me